My puffy green chair, or “divorce chair”, is still sitting like a silent sentinel in the basement, tilted to face the over-sized, flat screened television on the wall. At one time, this chair was my prized possession. After voluntarily fleeing from my home and husband over nine years ago, I awaited delivery on the few pieces of furniture that could complete my apartment ensemble. One of these is the afore -mentioned puffy green chair.
In this chair I spent time dreaming, crying, laughing, posturing myself on my little laptop, finishing my first book, “34”, and cruising Match.com and condos that I could buy with funds from half of the house we owned. It is a perfect chair, just the right size for me, and cozy in a way that makes you feel like you are being hugged, which I desperately needed at that time.
I had been married for 25 years (almost), and decided to either make my life my own, with all of it’s oddities and curious meanderings, or stay in a basically respectful, but loveless, marriage in order to appease the world. I chose the former. I have many reasons for the things I have done, many of which wouldn’t make sense to an outsider, or anyone other than me, really. And in the end, we have to live our lives in a way in which we continue to learn, and grow. I felt I could only do this if I went on without him.
Luckily, I found another soul who feels the same way, and went through a lot of the same struggles that I did. I live with him now, and we don’t take each other for granted. We have synchronous, yet separate lives at times…..and that works perfectly for us. We take solace in each other and want to move through the future times together.
All of this being said, I do have moments of “back flashing”, when I wonder about my steps. I have occasional dreams that I have to marry my husband again, or I have to choose between two very different and difficult things. The subconscious does not lie. We have to work on ourselves and our psyches for many long years. Ending a marriage with children is done every day. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t hard, and suffocating, and sometimes scary. People are more self-aware now. We aren’t going to continue in relationships that stunt us, and I think that is revolutionary in a way.
Will marriage continue to be a societal norm 100 years from now? I do hope so. I know many wonderful, happy couples that couldn’t imagine anything but the arrangement they have made. However, if you are struggling to choose, I hope you can talk it out, be adults, and make the best decision based on YOUR requirements for your life – not someone else’s.
So, sometimes, I walk down the basement stairs and really look at that chair. It symbolizes my freedom, in a way. I sit in it and remember that turbulent and transitional time in my life. I am thankful to the point that makes tears run down my face. I am happy, and I think my ex is happy as well. I do want the best for him, because he remains my good friend until this day. And then, I start looking at the present day and what I will do, because I am not living in the past….but going ever forward.
Have a wonderful weekend, and please follow or share to someone who may need this right now. Deb